Sweets, Talking.

Whittle while you work, my gorgeous little daffodil-yellow peacocks and peahens! A symbol of my affection for you all is clearly laid out here in the form of a tigress in a champagne glass, and a classy one at that! Don’t forget to cover your eyes with sticky notes and your ears with glass flashlights or else you shan’t touch even the slightest whiff of my home-baked cherry-cheeseling chipmunks! Whiskers and long divisions! How could I forget? This is the day of the tweeting lion! All hail his majesty’s birdliness with a thousand setting suns and a hundred head-to-knee, hat-sweeping-off-the-head bows in the direction of his third eye. Now go find yourself a lozenge for your poor feet and rub your midriff to relieve that terrible ear pain. AND COVER YOUR GLABELLA, you courtesan, before someone stops by and tries to pick you up for indecency and overly decent exposure! Or worse … before someone thinks you truly are a little bit like me.

With many loves,

Mlle Noleyn.

Sweetness and Lollipops and Fiery Dungeons

Good month to none of you and a good day to you all! I come here to write this message exclusively for my benefit and hope none of you will ever touch it with a ten-foot-pencil-sharpener! I’ve only just returned from La La Land, the place where only poisonberries grow on trees and money can never be found except underground, guarded by huge hordes of humbugs. Acid is important in life. If you know nothing else in life, know this: keep acid on you at all times. Not in a jar or vial, but rather literally all over you. Hopefully it will help you grow into the wonderful nice man or woman you hope (and all of your family fervently hopes) you will become. All my death-grip-hugs and kisses of torture! Rat-at-at-at for now, my lovely woodpecking hummingbirds! I blow a thousand cigar-smoke rings in the general direction of your dead stuffed cat and the urn that contains your grandfather’s ashes (because I know what a big smoker he was). I miss you like the waves miss the ocean on a windy day!

-Mlle Noleyn.

It is EYE

Allo! How are you all? You lovely lions, you creatures of the night! I was just painting a portrait of Madame Noleyn and I realized that I forgot to turn the toaster off in my saloon. What a disease! What a horrendous occurence of epic proportions! What an eye sore! What a spicy olive! My, what shall I do about this disaster? Now that is a good question! Was I the only one who thought of it? Clearly! Good job, Brae. Thank you. Now back to painting…I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen, now would I?

Quite the Opposite

I’m not quite sure who really reads this but I hope that you are one of them. You are? How WONDERFUL! Well, I hope you don’t think we’re sane or that we like boring painting of rivers and forests and dinosaurs. No, no indeed. No siree John. When we do paintings, we do paintings right. It’s abstract every time with very bold pastels.

And now, a poem:

I went to the store

I bought some clothes

I wanted more

But didn’t ose

That’s

all.

But when I did some shopping, I thought of youuuuuuuuuuuuu. Fancy a cup of tea?

-Mlle Noleyn

I Hate Forks And Spoons

forks and spoons are all very well
but a knife is quite my favourite
you can slice and dice and lop and chop
and threaten to kill one with it

in every shape and size they come
a different purpose, each knife
but if you see me with a large
and pointy one, guard your life

-Mlle Noleyn

Not Those Pillows!

NOT THOSE PILLOWS, AIRA! Don’t you know that those pillows are the food of my sould, the liquid of my joints, the nerve that attaches the eyeball to the head, the ground beneath my feet. They are all that is true and beautiful in this world. The pillows remind me of the wild horses in Ireland, my native land. Wild, whinnying horses. Horses that are whinnying and wild. Yes, wild pillows they are! Indeed! Yes! I agree! So don’t touch them! You can, however, look at them from a far, far, far, far, far distance to the left of where they are. No, not that left! The other left, to your right. Yes, thank you. No thank you. No thank you. No thank you. THANK YOU!

Greetings Fellow Citizens (For The Herring Impaired)!

Now, you can listen to us speak our entry, read our entry, AND WATCH A VIDEO FEATURING STRANGE PHOTOGRAPHS WE FOUND LYING AROUND GOOGLE!

Enjoy, my loves.

Greetings Fellow Citizens!

Greetings, fellow citizens of the planet Neptune. We ‘ope you enjoy your stay ‘ere at ‘otel B and A (Bed and Armchair). By the way, we ‘ope you enjoy the complimentary candlestick for killing people in the dining room whilst playing Trivial Pursuit (a Canadian invention if I ever did see one). We would also like to remind you that the ‘otel B&A is available only in the intergalactic state of Aurora as well as Planet Zéonnes (not including Neptune, o’course).

Blimy! Oh, do excuse us! We ‘ave been so terribly rude and inconsiderate and selfish and horrible and simply unpleasant in not introducing ourselves in traditional Vietnamese tradition. We would also like to remind you that you may listen to us if you find our accents hard to read. Oh dearie me! We still have not introducted ourselves in Russian cuisine!

Mein Name ist Aira Noleyn.

AND MY NAME IS BRAE SQIRREL. For those who dinnae know how to pronounce this, Brae is NOT a piece ‘o’ cheese. It is rather sounding as you know like a whinnying horse. “BRAY! BRAY!” You know? And Sqirrel! Now that is another matter altogether! It is NOT SQUIRREL as so many of you foreigners seem to think it eeez! Say, simply, “skirt” and “girl” together! Make a tossed salad out of them! That’s right! YOU’VE GOT IT! Sqirrel! Say it all together now: Brae Sqirrel.

THIS IS NOT MY NAME! NO! NON! NEIN! NYET! SURE! WAIT, NO! WHO SAID THAT?

 

Coming soon: This Episode … For The Herring Impaired!